Vulnerability

Do you ever notice that when people talk about vulnerability it is usually about being open with your emotions? And do you notice how the word makes most people feel uncomfortable? People say they should be more vulnerable, or they need to open up more. But most that have had experiences in the past where people took advantage of them or hurt them especially have issue with this word. Why? Well let’s look at the definition. Vulnerability is defined as capable of being physically or emotionally wounded. Or open to attack or damage. Vulnerable comes from the Latin noun vulnus, meaning wound. With that kind of definition why would you want to be vulnerable? So maybe vulnerability might not be the right word to describe the balance of being open with your emotions and having healthy boundaries.

Imagine a person that has had a past of people coming at them with anger, criticism, disrespect and more. They may have had to learn how to defend themselves and survive in unhealthy environments. They may have been taught not to trust themselves, that their instincts were off. They may have given authority to others to tell them what was right or wrong, or how to think and feel. If a person had any of those experiences, it would be extremely difficult if they were told in order to heal, they need to be more vulnerable. It is literally telling the person to be put down their shield and be open to attack. Do you see why a person with any of this experience would be so opposed or not understand how it would be possible to be vulnerable?

So maybe vulnerable is not the correct word to use. Maybe it is finding new tools and resources to protect yourself without being emotionally shutdown or closed off. Learning a healthy balance of being open and having boundaries. Starting to recognize unhealthy people, behavior and situations. Learning to trust yourself and your instincts or intuition. It’s not about just letting go of the tools that helped you survive but receiving the information, knowledge and new tools to replace them.

When someone wants another person to be more vulnerable, they actually want them to trust them and open up emotionally. They may take it personally like if they loved me, they would be more vulnerable with me. But think about the definition of the word. It is like saying if they loved me, they would be more open to being physically or emotionally wounded with me. Sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? The expectation of a person being emotionally open shouldn’t be to the point of being wounded. It should never give another person the upper hand or advantage. And unfortunately, that is exactly what unhealthy or manipulative people want. So, you see why the word vulnerability doesn’t feel natural, it doesn’t feel safe and by the very definition how could it?

If someone never had an unhealthy relationship or people that manipulated or betrayed them, then the idea of being vulnerable might feel ok, even good. But if you have experienced an unhealthy relationship or situation, the idea of being vulnerable is terrifying. Why would you purposely open yourself up to being physically or emotionally wounded? This is why the word invokes such a different feeling for people depending on their experiences. If you are building any relationship with someone, try to know their past but also respect their experiences and needs. You may be asking a lot and maybe not wording what you really want from them correctly. And if you have had difficult experiences and are trying to heal, maybe the word vulnerability isn’t the correct one to use or strive for.

If being open to love by receiving and sharing is your goal, try using different words or terms. It’s not about just putting down the shield and trusting someone. It is about having good discernment. Learning what healthy and unhealthy behavior looks like. Setting good boundaries and learning to trust yourself. It is taking back your authority in a healthy way. When you feel confident in yourself you know you can recognize danger and get out. It is ok to try to open up emotionally and share with people who are healthy and respect you. That is not being vulnerable, it is having healthy awareness and tools. You are not open to being wounded, you are open to sharing, loving and having new experiences with healthy people and situations. Redefine the idea of vulnerability and see what new insights you receive. Then watch how it can open doors to new, balanced and healthy relationships in your life.