We all play different roles within our relationships. We may be the caretaker, the fixer, the peacekeeper. We may be the receiver, the taker, the demander. You may have the same role in all your relationships, or you may be in different ones to different people and situations. We also have people in our lives that play roles for us. We are drawn to different people based on our needs and wants and ask them to play a role for us and we do the same for them. But what happens when we start a relationship as a certain role but then change the role we want to play? How does that affect our relationships and things we are drawn to? How can we start identifying the role we play in our relationships? And how can we determine if we still want to agree to those roles?
When you do any personal growth or transformational work, chances are you are going to have to change your role in relationships. We may have been the over giver in a past relationship. Giving 75% and the other person giving 25%. Now we want to have more balance and have it closer to 50/50%. But now we are asking the other person to change their role and give more because we are changing our role to give less and receive more. This will cause the relationship to go through a re-negotiation. Does the other person agree to this change? Are they qualified or able to make the change? Or will one or both decide the new roles will not work or are an unacceptable change? It is important to know what your original role has been in the relationship. Why did you come together in the first place. And what you are asking to be changed now.
It is also important to “hire” the right people for the roles you need. Often when we change, we ask current people in our life to change with us. See things the way we do now or validate our change in beliefs. But we also need to know if they are qualified for this new role. Do they have the capability or skills to change and if so, do they want to change? You wouldn’t hire someone for a job that they were not qualified for so why would you do it in your personal life? When we expect more from people that cannot provide it for us, it creates a stressful situation and sets us up to be disappointed. So, it’s important to know who is qualified for what you need. If you need someone to talk to and listen to, don’t go to someone that doesn’t have empathy. If you need someone to be a provider, don’t go to someone that can’t take care of themselves. And for yourself if you don’t want to be a healer or fixer, don’t bring in someone that needs fixing.
Understanding why we are initially drawn to relationships is important. Chances are they fulfilled a need for us even if it was unhealthy. Until we can heal ourselves and get balanced, we would always draw in the same person playing the same role. If you have ever said why does this keep happening to me? Chances are you kept drawing people qualified for that same role. Until you change the requirements of what you expect, it will never change. It’s also important to know that you agreed to these relationships in the past. It was what your energy needed, requested or accepted. Even if it was unhealthy, chances are you didn’t know you should be asking for something better or thought you deserved better. And that is why doing your healing and transformational work is so important in changing your life for the better.
Look at your life and the people and situations you surround yourself with. What roles are they fulfilling for you and what are you fulfilling for them. Then decide if you want to change your role or recognize you are already in the process of changing. Understand if a loved one can’t change their role with you, it doesn’t always mean that they don’t love you. They may not be capable of being what you need now. It doesn’t mean you are unlovable. It means you are realigning with people that can provide the roles you need. Understand what roles you have played in the past and want new role you want now. Set your expectations to see who can be aligned with your new role. Trust the transformation you are going through and watch how it can change your life to be more aligned with who you are now.